Posted 2 weeks ago

why am i always so motivated to run at night when it’s the most dangerous ugh

i need a male running buddy to go on late night runs with

yes i like that idea quite a bit 

Posted 3 weeks ago

third nalgene today, like a boss. that’s like 3 litres of water. ooh yeah.

also just some thoughts: i don’t like numbers. i don’t like scales and words like “less” or “more” or “fat” or “ugly”. i like words like “aware” and “healthy” and “beautiful” and “proud”. 

Posted 2 months ago

so i think my quads are sore for the first time in my life

no matter how hard i tried at home, i could never make my quads sore. if i ran, hiked, biked, or did weights- none of it ever made them sore. 

BUT this weekend i had a camp with the other exchange students. it was one of the best ones i’ve ever been to; we felt like such a family. we stayed a ten minute walk away from the beach, so we went out walking in the woods a lot. there were the first legitimate hills i’d seen in MONTHS, and it was so great to feel my legs working again. 

we did a scavenger hunt, and i was on a team with two other guys. we wanted to be the fastest team so we ran the whole way which was pretty hard for me, but i still did it. anyhow, i woke up yesterday morning and i could hardly use my legs. my core was really sore too. at first i thought that was because i am really really sick, and it might have contributed, but either way, they’re sore and i’m happy! 

ALSO, some exciting news: my next host family has a summer house on the west coast of sweden and they tell me there are mountains there! of course, i am only expecting hills, because it’s sweden, but i am still happy! 

Posted 2 months ago 1 note
okay guys, let’s get real.  here’s something that’s really hard about being a foreign exchange student: you gain a lot of weight.  i would say i’ve put on about 7 or more KILOS this year. but that’s ok! i am trying all these new foods and it’s completely normal to gain when you’re out of your regular schedule.  even though i am eating a lot healthier lately, there are still struggles. this morning when i was shaving my legs i found a new stretch mark, red and torn, on my upper thigh. for the first time in a very very long time i felt triggered. so guess what i did? i went to my room and grabbed a sharpie. i wrote “worth it” over the mark. even though my brain was telling me to do something much worse, i pushed those thoughts away and covered up the trigger with a positive message instead. to be honest, if i did this with every part of my body i’m not happy with, i would have a lot of sharpie on me. but i know that once i get home i will be healthier, and that what i am going through is normal for exchangies. so for now, i’m gonna enjoy swedish food while i can and work on loving myself. i feel like i made a really big step today and thought i should share :)

okay guys, let’s get real. 

here’s something that’s really hard about being a foreign exchange student: you gain a lot of weight. 

i would say i’ve put on about 7 or more KILOS this year. but that’s ok! i am trying all these new foods and it’s completely normal to gain when you’re out of your regular schedule. 

even though i am eating a lot healthier lately, there are still struggles. this morning when i was shaving my legs i found a new stretch mark, red and torn, on my upper thigh. for the first time in a very very long time i felt triggered.

so guess what i did? i went to my room and grabbed a sharpie. i wrote “worth it” over the mark. even though my brain was telling me to do something much worse, i pushed those thoughts away and covered up the trigger with a positive message instead.

to be honest, if i did this with every part of my body i’m not happy with, i would have a lot of sharpie on me. but i know that once i get home i will be healthier, and that what i am going through is normal for exchangies. so for now, i’m gonna enjoy swedish food while i can and work on loving myself.

i feel like i made a really big step today and thought i should share :)

Posted 2 months ago

turns out you have to be coordinated to do zumba… most awkward workout class of my life

i need to run again. that’s what i am okay at. 

Posted 2 months ago

today’s nomz

breakfast: 1/2 cup granola with water, heated to make hot cereal. 1 cup green tea, two cups water.

lunch: about 1.5 cup frozen peas (only veg we have in the house… sad day.) blood orange, and 1 piece cracker bread (knäkebröd) with a bit of butter. two cups water, probably too much coffee (1.5 mugs full ugh)

saving calories for dinner because it’s always suuuuuper calorific in this house

Posted 3 months ago

blah starting myfitnesspal again

this could get risky but i think it will be good to check

weighed in at a little less this morning,73.4kg as opposed to 73.7 last week. i am happy with this considering how i ate this week.

i think i’m committed now.

eats today:

bfast: granola, .25 cup milk, almond slices

 lunch: steamed mixed veggies with chili sauce, .25 cup almonds

also coffee this morning, two cups of tea, and water in between bringing me to 7 cups liquid so far

whoop!

Posted 3 months ago

eats today

breakfast: granola, milk, and sliced almonds on top for some protein

lunch: stir “fry” (meaning i added a bit of oil) of frozen wok veggies, some corn, and about 1/4 cup almonds for protein

current water total: 6 cups

awaiting dinner which is always the worst part of the day… we will see. 

otherwise today has been dandy! 

Posted 4 months ago

okay, okay.

going to give MMA a shot tomorrow… going with one of my guy friends. we’ll see how it is. 

Posted 4 months ago

honestly i just need someone to tell me that i look fine. that i’m pretty. that i’m nice or kind or worth their time.

you know when someone uploads facebook photos and they’re incredibly unflattering?

yeah, i have rolls of fat. rolls. 

it’s been so long since i’ve felt this shitty about myself.

if i try and talk to my friends about it they tell me to stop complaining. i dont think they realize how fragile my self respect and self confidence is.  

i hate this. and i hate my body right now.

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